Big Sur Institute infiltrated by Seeker Sasquatch? Tilden Park scene of yet another vicious Bigfoot Attack?
The Central Coast region of cattywampus California has witnessed once again more alarming Sasquatch sightings. In response, the Governor issued a short statement on the matter. “Ahhh... I'm like you, I'm no better than you, I'm a 960 SAT guy... I cannot, you've never seen me read a sasquatch speech. I made bad decisions regarding Bigfoot sightings. That being said - the question is, does the public care about that?".
The Michelin-Starred Restaurant Frenchie Laundry also issued a no-comment in sympathy regarding Sasquatch alarms, as a political damage control precaution. "We are, of course, open for luxury dining... if you can afford the price.", sniffed a resident restaurant sommelier.
Birthplace of the Human Potential Movement visited by sneaky Sasquatch?
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| A seriously lost traveller, driving south on the rugged central coastal region of the Pacific Coast Highway trying to find Carmel, spotted an elusive Bigfoot loitering around the entrance to The Institute. "That ape-guy was gazing at the sign, but it couldn't read. Then it sniffed the air and detected organic foods nearby. That did it! He dived into the bushes at the front gate and quickly disappeared. I managed to get one photo. Eh, I finally found Carmel... but had to turn-around at San Simeon and head back north. I have trouble with GPS." |
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| Mysterious reports of missing vegetarian meals and spiritual wellness teas prompted management to investigate. Evidence of Bigfoot activity was found, including some aromatic evidence which had to be bagged and incinerated. After the alleged Sasquatch visit, rumors are flying that The Institute may change their mission statement to "Birthplace of the Hominid Potential Movement". |
Tilden Park Bigfoot Attack! "You! Not Again! J'Accuse!"
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Serial Bigfoot Victim Divot Looney was attacked yet again by a maurading Sasquatch, this time at Tilden Park while on a crypto-nature hike. "I recognized the dasterdly brute. But the park rangers don't care. I just don't understand it! I take all proper simian protection precautions. I spray very expensive and very nasty anti-bigfoot spray on me from head-to-toe. I shower every day and use anti-bigfoot deodorant and soap, which I was promised repels nasty Sasquatches. But nothing worked! It's all garbage! I paid Dr. Blinng a lot of money for that stuff. I'm beginning to suspect he's a quack?" |
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| Divot Looney was able to take one shaky photo of the aggressive Bigfoot before passing out from the intense fumes emitted by the beast and from the 'scent-free' anti-bigfoot products he was wearing. Doctors say his sense of smell should return in about 18 months, if he's lucky. |
Ricard Scheister, Legal Counsel and a Member of the Bored of Directors for the YETI NOT SETI INSTITUTE located in seaside Yuba City California was on paid retainer and was thus able to comment. "I'll make this quick, my legal time is charged by the second. It appears to me the Bigfoot who snuck into The Institute was a Hominid, but not a Homo-Sapian, and is therefore exempt from any damage it may have incurred during it's incursion. I'm ready to represent the Sasquatch and defend his innate right to... wait, what's that you say? Bigfoots are stone-cold-broke and have zero assets? So it can't pay me? Well, that changes things! I will contact The Institute and offer my legal services to sue for damages from wanton and scurrilous behavior from that malicious Sasquatch. I'll charge by the minute, I'm a reasonable man!"
Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-life of the YETI NOT SETI INSTITUTE, was in denial. "I deny Looney's claims he was sold fake anti-bigfoot products! Just because they've never been patented, tested in a lab, tested in the field, or certified by the FDA doesn't mean they don't work! I'll professionally inform Looney to just use more of these custom products. I'll even knock down the prices 2%... I'm not a crook. I'd share the formulas, but that might get our intrepid local county sanitation and hygiene departments overly excited. I mix 'em up in my bathtub, wearing a gas mask."
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