Grizzly Bears, Wolves, Mountain Goats, Fly Fisherman and other dangerous beasts give Bigfoot Beast a Wide Berth during rare sighting!
The forest service has temporarily closed the Great Bear Wilderness, hoping the Bigfoot just goes away and visits nearby Canada. "The last Bigfoot sighting around here was a few years ago... quite a mess." said one of the park rangers, "The Grizzly bears boycotted the area for several years before they came back sniffing around. I mean, what's a Great Bear Wilderness if you have no bears?!" |
| Hungry Bigfoot caught on webcam, searching for his next semi-cooked meal. |
Flathead National Forest in the summer is a normally serene and slow-paced realm, where mellow fly fisherman lazily try to catch a few trout to enhance the freeze dried mystery meat they brought with them for dinner. While everyone was on the watch for bear attacks, no one thought a Sasquatch raid was in the cards.
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| Bigfoot cruising the high country. |
In order to protect clueless park guests, the National Forest Service has issued the following Sasquatch safety guidelines until further notice:
"When you are on the trails, expect bigfoots to be present. Moving quickly on a trail increases your chance of surprising a Sasquatch... try it! It will be fun!
Expect bigfoots to be present when you least expect them.
Carry bear spray - it won't help, but you'll feel safer anyway.
Make noise and slow down. Leave fast food snacks and back away.
Avoid evening, morning, midday, afternoon, and night.
Avoid going out alone. Rude things can happen to solo hikers, not even counting alien abductions.
During a Bigfoot encounter:
Do not run. Sprint!
If the Bigfoot charges: stand your ground, use your bear spray, prepare to die.
If the Bigfoot makes physical contact: protect your nose and avoid inhaling too much of the beast's odors. Play dead, use your bear spray on yourself. For more information visit the Interagency Sasquatch Committee.
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| Sneaky Sasquatch sighted in Montana. |
Dr. Karl Blinng, President For Life of the YETI NOT SETI INSTITUTE in hilly Yuba City, California, was in the Flathead National Wilderness when the Sasquatch sightings hit the area. "I didn't see any of the beasts, gosh darn it! I was focused on a titanic battle with a tremendous killer trout on my line. Mano-a-mano. After a terrifying 3 hour tussle between man-and-fish it all ended when one of my colleagues cut-loose my line in desperation and let the floating log I'd caught float free into the sunset. I was so close! Well, I went back to camp and expected a delicious meal of freeze-dried crunchy pasta with extra-crunchy Italian meatballs - - only to find found our precious meal was stolen by one of those wily Sasquatch critters. Curse them! Well, the furry thief left the case of slim-jims so we dined well enough."
