NEW JOISEY NUMB AS SASQUATCH SIGHTINGS SOAR!

New Jersey Denizens See DOZENS of Bigfoots! Floating Flatulence in Air?

A panic is gripping New Jersey! (Translation: Nieu Joisey)

Mysterious enemy flying drones? Massive Martian Invasions? New York reclaims the Statue of Liberty? No! Something far, far worse: a ferocious furry flurry of smelly Sasquatch creatures is scouring the Garden State! Except for Newark International Airport... it's already scoured. 

Hey, who cut the cheese? Bigfoot is prime suspect in Joisey!

Reports of Sasquatch sightings are coming in from all parts of New Jersy. "Der I waz, sittin' in traffic like always on de Joisey Turnpike, doin' nuttin'. Then all a sudden, dis crazy ape-guy runs across the road - - chased by, I swear to God, a bunch of flies and a pack of demented howling chihuahuas! That monkey-man had his hands full of old disco fries. Dem dogs were gonna get a piece of that!", exclaimed a commuter. 

An amazing photo of a New Jersey Sasquatch in the wild, capturing the beast prowling the dense forests and swamps of idyllic Hoboken. The wonky wildlife photographer who took the shot has strangely disappeared. Police are looking for him in cement mixers across the state.

A bizarre exhibition focused on Sasquatches and Flying Drones opened at the same time sightings were reported. "25 dollahs per poisen they charge! Armed robbery I tell youse. Look, it's as if THEY knew this waz gonna happen, capish?" said an anonymous state official shaking down vending machines. No dough exchanged hands for this secret interview, got it?!

Dr. Karl Blinng, Chairman-For-Life of the YETI-not-SETI Institute located in swampy Yuba City, California, released this important statement for the press:

"We at the Institute are extremely concerned with recent reports of flying Bigfoots being seen in New Jersey. Furthermore... ah... wait a minute. Ahem! Let me rephrase that. My speech writer is an idiot. I'd fire him but he's blackmailed me so he keeps his job. Right! We at the Institute are extremely concerned with recent reports of flying alien DRONES seen in New Jersey. Bigfoots are spotted all the time. If we can just capture one of those hairy beasts alive.... gosh darn it to heck! But demented DRONES in Joisey? None in NYC or Philly? Who knew?"

Anxious Amsterdam Self-Medicates After Appalling Sasquatch Visit!

 Bigfoot Barges into Amsterdam! Barge operators in chaos! Semi-Controlled Substances sold out!

Quaint, picturesque and free-floating Amsterdam was stunned when a North American Sasquatch was seen lurking around the central district. "Dis hippie-beast really wondered around the tourist areas, causing many problems for us! Where are the Nationale Politie when needed?", exclaimed a frustrated local shop owner selling organically grown mood enhancers. 

Strange Sasquatch Beast spotted on Canal Tour Boat! Passengers were close to passing out after the on-the-water olfactory ordeal. 

"A one hour canal tour! It'll be fun, the tour guide said. That's what they promised!", said a tourist from Des Moines, Iowa. "Well, the nasty aromas venting from that Ape-man made it feel like a three hour tour! Yep, that's it... a threeeeee hour tour... excuse me I feel like getting sick!"

The Amsterdam Sasquatch was seen multiple times lurking in the Rembrandt Square
area day and night. "Ya sure, 'dis ape-man liked hanging around here,  you know? Plenty of  leftover fried Dutch fast food, good stale beer, and special gummys stuck on the sidewalk."

The Sasquatch lingered in a shop dedicated to a unique assortment of enhanced chocolates and gummy concoctions. Since none of the products were fried or rancid, the beast lost interest and searched for old soggy Oliebollens. "Oil Balls" in the King's English. 

Eyewitnesses claim the Beast walked into a shop which offers haircuts, tattoos, and whatever. Shocked, the store management pushed the hairy crypto-creature out and locked the door. "

The shop owner was firm in his response to this hairy invastion. "Maak je een grapje? Als we die harige gast een knipbeurt wilden geven, waren we failliet gegaan en was mijn personeel gestopt! Bovendien had die idioot geen geld. Hé, wil je wat tatoeages?" Translation: "Are you kidding me? Trying to give that furred dude a haircut would have bankrupted us, and my staff would quit! Besides, that fool had no money. Hey, you want some tattoos?"

Erk Holohead, a member of the Bored of Directors of the laid-back and mellow YETI NOT SETI Institute in high-altitude Yuma City, California, was observant. "I observe", opined Holohead, "That Amsterdam is a unique city. You would think a lumbering Sasquatch would stick out like a sore duim, but the reality is the beast blended right in!"

Wonky Washington DC Woes Worsen as Bigfoot Spotted in Capital!

SASQUATCH SPOTTED NEAR NATION'S CAPITAL! FRANTIC SPOTS CLEAN-UP UNDERWAY BEFORE CONGRESS ESCAPES FOR HOLIDAYS!

A seriously lost lobster industry lobbyist caught the Sasquatch on camera near Congress. "Hey, I thought she/he/it/what? was a Senator! Only when I looked at the photo did I realize this creature was a Congressman."

A general but subdued total, complete, and yet underwhelming panic enveloped Washington DC this week after the Bigfoot sightings. As usual Federal security personnel are staying Mum. "We don't talk to no one! Unless some difficult conspiracy theory she/he/it/what? nut issues a Congressional Subpoena, then we'll talk at them but not to them. It's a great game. We deny, they imply! Keeps us all young." 

Sasquatch strolls by the Smithsonian Museum. Primate pandemonium erupted in the Anthropology department, with several senior Ph.D.'s submitting their retirement notices.

The Smithsonian Museum was hit by a Bigfoot walk-by just hours after the Capital Hill sighting. Turmoil erupted in the museum, sparking intense debates on how to treat this overwhelming evidence that North America is home to at least two humanoid (bigfootoid) species! 

A special museum ideology squad quickly pivoted to include Sasquatch into their ongoing narratives attacking politically incorrect aspects of history. "It's obvious these suppressed hairy-enhanced creatures are victims of systemic species-ism, forest imperialism, and greedy corporate fast-foodism scraps.", sniffed a senior DEI HR manager. "Only entitled home sapiens would see otherwise. Flea infestations, public defecations, body stench, food scraps and clouds of flies are part of Sasquatch cultural heritage - - to be embraced! We might propose sending crazy crypto-reactionary humans to reeducation camps - - once we get past the next four unpleasant years. I may move to Canada anyway, at least I keep threatening to?" 

Bigfoot spotted at the Thinking Rabbit Statue. Why Not?

Dr. Karl Blinng, President for Life of the prestigious YETI not SETI Institute in sparking Yuba City, California, was philosophical about the recent Bigfoot sightings in the nation's capital. "Washington DC is full of career politicians and family members with partial or full Sasquatch ancestry, how else can their behaviors be explained? Drugs? Stupidity? Bribes? Poor Personal Hygiene? Naaaaaah. It all comes down to bigfoots! Until Bigfoot DNA testing becomes mandatory, we'll never know how many congressmen, senators, presidents, supreme court justices, federal reserve officials, dog-catchers and many other federal employees are in fact bigfoots or partial bigfoots. Saints Preserve Us!"

Scurrilous San Diego Sasquatch Sighting!

 Bigfoot spotted in San Diego! Demented Denizens Disbelieve Their Affronted Eyes.

Encinitas, California locals, Venezuelan Cartel members, and tourists alike were shocked to see what appeared to be a bizarre bona-fide crypto-creature ambling thorough the dazed streets of this idyllic Pacific Coast town.
 

An amazed tourist caught a Bigfoot in camera, minutes after a "Bigfoot Poop Alert" Map was hastily updated in Encinitas, California. 

The creature appeared smitten and puzzled by a day-of-the-dead maiden statue. "I think the beast was working up the courage to ask her out on a date. The aroma of old fried tortillas eventually distracted him away."

Bigfoots and Refried Beans: An unfortunate combination!

Sasquatch spotted at the statue of Spanish Explorer Juan Cabrillo. Speculation has long swirled around Cabrillo - - did he discover Bigfoots, or just California beach bums? 

Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the YETI-NOT-YETI Institute located in the surfer's paradise of Yuba City, California, had some Sasquatch theories to share. "I have some theories to share. I conceived of these brilliant theorems all by myself, after extensive thought, cold pizza, and a bottle of top-shelf tequila. Namely, Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo was himself a bigfoot! Who else but a Sasquatch would squander his massive fortune searching the parched coast of Southern California for water, food, and crushed ice? Then eventually die from a broken leg on Catalina Island?"

My other genius theory is just a brilliant. The SoCal Freeway system was designed and implemented by Bigfoots! Nothing else can explain the I-405. Absolutely nothing."

Tahiti Titillates as Sasquatch Sullies Surfing Competition!

French Polynesia Pummeled as Barging Bigfoot Breaks Taboos!  Papeʻete Panics!

Forget grass skirts, coconuts, and beautiful hula girls. Forget balmy breezes, Firi firi, and romantic tropical sunsets. No, forget it all. A nasty Bigfoot has stepped ashore. "Tahiti may never recover from this insult!", explained a shocked te pae tahatai beach bum sipping on a high-octane pia, "Why would a smelly Sasquatch would come here to our island paradise, of all places! Send it back where it came from!"

Ape-man captured on camera at Tahiti beach during sunset. "That was no beautiful tropical island girl! Nice hair, though..."

The beast mysteriously appeared during the French Olympics, where Tahiti was hosting both the World Champion Surfing and  competitive Bubble-Bath competitions. 

Grotesque and gamey simian sighting near the Grottes de Mara's cave complex.  

Tahitian animal control officials suspect the creature was hiding-out in the Grottes de Mara's caves between rancid fried-food raids, but the island police were too disgusted to find out. 

The Sasquatch spotted at a local shopping mall searching for a Polynesian food-court and spreading mites, tics and odeurs nauséabondes et désagréables in the process. The famous untrademarked Olympics Symbol in the background, rivaling the logo super-glued onto the Eiffel Tower, had to be fumigated and restored at great cost. 

Clues abound, but airline and customs officials are left absolutely clueless!

How did the beast barge into Tahiti? How did it get there? These questions are stumping pseudo-naturalists and cryptozoologists across Oceania. Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the YET NOT SETI Institute located in Yuba City (the South Pacific of California's Central Valley), has some ideas. "I have an idea! It's even my own idea. I'm rather excited about it. This Bigfoot came over in a modified outrigger canoe! Very modified. As in, it was as wide as a whale, ah... so was the outrigger. Why did it cross the Pacific Ocean from the USA to Tahiti? How do I know? Do I know what goes on in the Sasquatch Mind? Don't be a fool. I barely know what goes on in my own head!"

¡No otra vez! Asqueroso Bigfoot Sighting in Cartagena Colombia!

Mystery Ape-Man Mingles with Mortified Touristas in Old Town Cartagena!

Confounding local police and customs officials, a yanqui bigfoot was discovered tagging along with a tour group in the old town section of Cartagena. The cursed tour originated from the cruise ship "Catastrophe of the Seas". Colombian officials say the simian was a stowaway on the ship and managed to return to the same vessel after the 5 hour excursion... "A walking tour of old town Cartagena in high heat and humidity, Bataan Death March Style! Refreshments Served."

The tour group completely ignored the Bigfoot, mesmerized as they were by the lovely Getsemani area, the amazing heat and humidity levels, and the variety of Pablo Escobar t-shirts on sale everywhere.  

An observant local lounging around at the Plaza Aduana spotted the Sasquatch in the afternoon. "I could not believe my eyes! I ask them, I ask my eyes, I ask them 'my eyes, what are you seeing here?' I first I thought it was that nasty dictator in Venezuela, Manure or Maduro, I can't really remember his name. But then I see this beast in the plaza was not exactly human, you understand? It was a caveman gone wrong!"

This Sasquatch infestación is not the first time these rabid beasts have been spotted in Colombia. An infamous sighting occurred in 2013 in the beautiful city of Bogotá. The monkey-man animal panicked local business types and caused a mini-recession in the downtown sector for months. Fortunately, no Bigfoots were spotted again until this recent shock from Cartagena. 

Erk Holohead, a member of the bored of directors of the YETI NOT SETI Institute in tropical Yuba City, expressed dismay. "I am dismayed! Poor Colombia gets hit again by a hairy hominid animal with questionable personal hygiene habits. Coincidently I was in Bogotá in 2013 and Cartagena in 2024 when both great cities were subjected to this Sasquatch business. In fact, I was also on the "Catastrophe of the Seas". This is purely an amazingly improbable coincidence, you understand."

A NEW BIGFOOT SIGHTING IN SHOCKED SINGAPORE!

SINGAPORE SLAPPED SILLY AGAIN WITH SASQUATCH SORTIE!

The usually well contained island nation of Singapore was rudely subjected to a new Bigfoot sighting, causing rare disorder in this most orderly of nations. 

Infiltrating Bigfoot Versus Pink Orchid Singapore Bambi. 

"I say, we were visiting a most exciting Orchid Garden Park in Singapore when IT happened.", said a shocked tourist. "We really like the paintings showing flowers and animals in colors not found in nature, except for at Chernobyl. Suddenly, this vile smelly animal appeared in the park and made a foul stench! At first I thought it was my mother-in-law, but to my horror it was a gigantic hairy ape-man! The beast appeared to be interested in junk food thrown into the local dustbins. It tried to eat an orchid but spit it out... too vegan for him I think?" 

Bigfoot spotted at Changi Airport! Did it actually board a transpacific flight?

The same day, a local Singaporean about to board a gambler's direct flight to luxurious Las Vegas was astounded to see the same ape-man lounging around Changi Airport. "I was amazed! I immediately called my bookie check on the odds of a Sasquatch ever venturing into Changi, it is around One Trillion to one against! I took that bet for the future... it's a sure thing. I didn't spot him on the flight... wherever he went it wasn't Vegas."

Dr. Karl Blinng, Director-for-Life of the Luxurious YETI not SETI Institute, was skeptical of this recent Bigfoot sighting. "In my years of intense study into Sasquatch behavior, DNA, bodily fluids, and mating habits, I've never encountered a Bigfoot eating orchids. But consider... if the hairy 8 foot tall beast ever made to The Strip in Las Vegas I bet no one would notice him in the crowds. They've seen 'em all. He'd just blend in. And if he had $100 on him they'd let him try out their slot machines!" 

Institute Team Reviews and Regurgitates Sasquatch Sunset Nature Film Documentary

Movie Review: "Sasquatch Sunset" Gets ONE FINGER FLIP SALUTES from YETI not SETI Institute Members!

Dr. Karl Blinng and Mr. Divot Looney, members of the bored of directors for the YETI not SETI Institute, volunteered to pay good American Money to watch the exciting new Bigfoot film "Sasquatch Sunset" in a real move theatre. The unforgettable theatre experience was complete with navigating around sleeping drunks, stepping on old popcorn/gum mixtures stuck on the floor, and enduring a barrage of mediocre movie promotions before the big screening.  

Unsuspecting researchers Looney and Blinng before subjecting themselves to the intense Sasquatch Nature Documentary "Sasquatch Sunset".

Blinng gives "Sasquatch Sunset" a ONE FINGER SALUTE rating: 

"There are no words to describe what I saw. I was driven to watch this ground-breaking crypto-movie out of curiosity. Morbid curiosity, as it turned out. I was driven by in the interests of pseudo-science, along with a strong feeling of jealously since we didn't think of this cinematic masterpiece first. I felt it my obligation to watch it and savor the experience." 

"For me the most disgusting, ah, the most impressionable moment in the documentary came when the intrepid band of Sasquatches discovered a logging road, became upset, and proceeded to excrete every Bigfoot bodily fluid imaginable onto the road's surface. What a moment! I told Looney this film was a ground-breaking cryptozoological nature documentary. He had no clue what he was in for."

"This masterpiece will takes its rightful place alongside such great classics as 'Pink Flamingos', 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes', and dare I say it... 'Plan 9 from Outer Space'. Of all the movies I've ever seen, this was one of them."

Looney awards a ONE FINGER FLIP SALUTE to "Sasquatch Sunset":

"Look, I was essentially kidnapped and brought to that movie theatre against my will. Blinng is insane and will stop at nothing to find evidence of bona fide Bigfoots, usually using me as Sasquatch-bait each and every time. But I trusted him on this score, he said this was a novel nature documentary. What an incredible movie! Sasquatch Sunset is the only movie that has made me cry recently... I could have used that $12 admission for so many other things, sniff."

"Never have I been so grateful that one can't smell a movie! In this case smelling the screenplay would have been a crime against humanity, let alone Bigfoot-ity."

In an incredible coincidence, a movie patron captured a photo of what appeared to be a Bigfoot sneaking into the showing of "Sasquatch Sunset" without paying. The theatre manager was philosophical about it: "Well, what else would you expect a crypto-beast like that to do? I mean, they don't carry around Louis Viton wallets or purses, do they?"

Ricard Scheister Esquire, the Institute's 24-7 on-retainer legal counsel, bail bondsman and 'Mr. Fixit' expressed concern that the Institute wasn't offered any movie-credit, movie-input, and most importantly, movie-royalties regarding this nature documentary. "Say... why didn't WE get a fat cut in the profits? Or a nice percent of the box office sales, huh? Where's that damn fool lawyer of ours! Oh, wait a minute..."

Amazing Aruba Attack by AWOL Bigfoot!

Aruba Aroused by Audacious Sasquatch Abominations!

The touristy Southern Caribbean island of Aruba was the victim of a recent Bigfoot raid, causing panic amongst locals, tourists, small birds and stray mammals alike. "All the piles of disgusting clues point to a strong odiferous suspicion the Sasquatch arrived on a cursed cruise ship and left the same way.", declared a shaken local shop owner.

Bigfoot spotted in Oranjestad. 

Iconic windy Aruba bliss ruined by Bigfoot Sighting: 

Sales of cheap refrigerator magnets dropped by 75% for several hours as tourists panicked. However, local beer sales jumped 250% per local shop owners.

Oranjestad emergency Sasquatch Poop-Map and smell-zone updates. 

The beast left a trail of astonishing volumes of Sasquatch excrement and other bodily fluids during his invasion. The rather raw organic materials deposited by the creature were left to reek in the tropical sun throughout the capital city of Oranjestad, prompting the local sanitation department to go on strike, close shop, and declare a special week's emergency holiday. In a fear-of-recall election panic, the intrepid city council politicos came up with an emergency Bigfoot "Poop Map", inspired by the City of San Francisco's chronic wokey doom-loop problems. "Watch your feet, all walkers beware! Galiña ta laba ku e awa ku e tin!" declared City Hall with awe-inspiring confidence.

Sasquatch beast loitering at Wilhelmina Park. The Queen was not amused.

Aruba's sister island Curaçao was hit by a similar Sasquatch visitation only days before. Authorities on both islands strongly suspect the beast is a stowaway on a casually run cruise ship and is heading to other nearby ports. In response, a major cruise line industry organization, Cruise Line International Of Absconders (CLIOA), declared 'no comment', 'force majeure', 'endangered species act' and denied all responsibility, as usual. 

Erk Holohead, a member of the bored of directors at the illustrious YETI not SETI Institute in aromatic Yuba City, California, was intrigued. "I'm intrigued! First Curaçao gets hit by this hairball, then Aruba. There is only one cruise ship in the region which fits the exact timeline - "Rapunzel of the Seas"! The cunning ape-man must be a stowaway on that ship. If I'm right, the next stop will be Cartagena, Colombia. Poor Colombia! They should rename this ship "Catastrophe of the Seas"!

Curaçao Crumbles from Bigfoot Sightings!

Sasquatch Sallies onto Curaçao Island! Seriously!

Certified* Cryptologists all over the known world are agog at news a North American Bigfoot has been spotted on the Southern Caribbean island of Curaçao. Local tourism authorities strenuously deny the rare beast is a local ape-man. A local north island resident was sure of the Sasquatch source: "It must have come in on one of dos nasty cruise ships that keep showin' up like dirty pirates. Nasty things! Yama polis!"

Sasquatch or Cruise Ship Tourist? Hairy beast spotted at Playa Kenepa Grandi. 

"It coulda been much worse!", exclaimed a local alcohol-infused-tropical-smoothie stand owner at the Kenepa Grandi Beach, "At least dat animal didn't go for a nasty swim. Could you image? That beautiful turquoise wata becoming infested with monkey-fleas, ape-lice, and whatever else was clinging to that awful beast's mangy fur? Bai awo!" 

Sasquatch sighting at the Shete Boka National Rain Forest. 

The exotic hominid even showed up in one of the most lush, densely grown, tropical parts of Curaçao - Shete Boka National Park. OK, we were paid to write that, as we're money-grubbing hacks with no sense of journalist ethics in our bones. Shete Boka is actually desolate, arid, rugged, wind-blown and nearly lifeless... not unlike parts of extreme West Texas, the planet Mars**, or Big-Box store parking lots. 

Wandering around or lost? Unexplained Sasquatch presence has biologist scratching their heads and other body parts. 

Erk Holohead, a member of the YETI not SETI Institute in the island paradise of Yuba City, California, had this to say about that. "I have that to say about this. Bigfoots are not native to Curaçao. Heck they aren't native to Yankee Stadium, either! But there you go... a bona fide Bigfoot sighting on this formerly lovely tropical island in the Southern Caribbean. It may take years for the island's tourism industry to recover from the simian shock. If they're lucky the beast was a stowaway on a clueless cruise ship and managed to sneak on back on board for parts unknown. I fear for Aruba! Things are not "Dushi" in Curaçao right now!

*All Cryptologists, along with Alien Astronaut Theorists, are 'certified' in one form or another. 

**Extraterrestrial Sasquatch sightings have been made on the planet Mars. Truth! Just ask Percival Lowell, deceased. 

News Flash: Aruba has been hit by a Sasquatch Soiree! Aruba Aroused by Audacious Sasquatch Abominations!